I apologize for the very emotional and personal post that is about to follow, but I really need to get this off my chest.
I know you’re reading this, and my hope is that this will explain some things that I need you to understand, while helping me to begin to reach some sort of closure.
I was with you for almost all of my college career thus far, but more importantly, all of my (albeit short) adulthood. It was a relationship so much more serious and emotionally invested than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve never come close to putting my heart on the line or loved someone that much before. It was a whirlwind of new and incredible experiences, and all the while I never stopped marveling at how our lives suddenly converged in a fireworks of fortuitous series of events–a twist of fate, as you always said–and how we strived to keep it so.
My life has been quite an adjustment without you around. I’ve spent the past month extremely confused as my emotions ricocheted wildly between hating your guts and missing you so much that every corner of my body ached.
Despite your best efforts to reach a conclusion on an amicable note, it was a break up nonetheless, and you broke my heart. Breaking up with someone means that you don’t want them to be in your life anymore, in the way that they were before, and that hurt more than anything in the world. There really was nothing either of us could do to avoid the fallout. Given the nature of our separation, partly situational with both of us still having so much love and admiration for each other, it would make it impossible to get over you if we continued talking. Because really, how different would that be from our usual long-distance relationship? That would keep me in a falsely deluded state of mind, stuck with a lingering hope in light of our since-changed relationship. It would be excruciating.
I’m sorry that I’ve been shutting you out, but please know that it’s not with any hard feelings. I’m not resentfully refusing to talk to you because I am bitter about what you did, it’s just something I have to do. I feel like I’ve lost not only a loved one, but a friend. Through our relationship, you were my rock, and I honestly don’t know how I’m holding myself together right now because in times like these, I would turn to you. I hope you know it’s not easy for me to do this.
Neither of us thought it was going to end that way, and I honestly feel like it wasn’t time for our relationship to be over, but it was almost as if we had no choice. I still believe that distance only keeps you apart if you let it, but I’m thankful that at least I know we will care for each other forever, even though that makes it so much more painful to be apart.
Beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad, but it’s everything in between that makes it all worth living. You had the biggest impact on my life. Thank you for introducing me to Emile Pandolfi, Explosions in the Sky, Hazy, and the countless mixes, all of which are some of my favorite things now; for the wonderful city of DC, with clubbing and Crepeaway, and that night of monumenting which will remain in my heart as one of the most romantic nights of my life; for the indescribable magic of Disney, and many more. I can honestly say that many of my very best memories were with you.
But above all, some of the greatest moments were not when we were out doing these grand things, but when we were just being together, which was unfortunately much too rare. You know it’s right when you can literally lie around all day and do nothing together. So many relationships are great when you’re out going to concerts, taking trips, going to parties, etc. But it was still fun and exciting when it was just the two of us, alone, hanging out. We could entertain each other, be weird with each other, and make each other think. I could truly be myself. We were really good together, which is what makes it ever more difficult not to dwell on what would have been if the distance factor were removed. I’m scared of never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I felt when I was with you. But I know we can’t change anything, and I am confident everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, no matter how much it hurts now.
You taught me that even though you really do love somebody, that doesn’t mean they are the one. I couldn’t be what you needed and vice versa. We did extraordinary things, and I’ve grown so much. But I also know now that we both still have a lot of growing up to do, to discover ourselves and follow our dreams. We are at a inevitable crossroads that we both needed.
My heart stops for a millisecond every time I pass a silver Altima or drive past a Power Ball billboard. Every third song reminds me of you when I listen to my iPod. There’s a little tug inside when I open my laptop and type in my password, or at the mention of bananagrams, nachos, lattes, bagels, thugs. The bittersweet feeling of making Oreo balls, or the more subtle things, like walking outside on a beautiful starry night. And, without fail, every time I catch the clock.
It was unfair to me that we never got a chance to properly say goodbye, but I’m not blaming you for anything. I just wish it would have happened differently so that I wouldn’t have to act this way now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you think I’m being a bitch right now. I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go in a way that will heal myself. It kills me to do this, but I have to otherwise I’ll never get over you. And I’m not doing as well as it appears. I’m not doing well at all. But I guess I’ll have to fake it til I make it, as they say.
I know you’ll accomplish incredible things; I just wish you wanted me to be there by your side to witness them. But I knew from the beginning that this was your passion, and if you love someone, you should let them go. I meant everything I wrote in your very first card, and I still do, now more than ever. I sincerely hope that you didn’t throw away our memories, both figuratively and literally, because I will treasure them all forever (sorry that was cheesy).
It seems like only yesterday was the time of our lives. I will remember you and all of the things that we’ve gone through.
I hope you find what you’re looking for, and I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life would be and so much more. I hope you’re happy wherever you are, and nothing’s going to change that. I hope you find whatever it is out there that you were missing here. I think I would miss you even if we’d never met.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
And I have to say that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.